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Gift fic or ranmaru_fics

Title: The Candy Cane Incident
Author: salable_mystic
Rated: R for some swearing
Summary: Orlando loves candy canes and Viggo just might be losing his mind over that fact.
Beta: J! Thank you J!
Warning: New Zealand LOTR filming, but kinda in a handwavy sort of way.
Disclaimer: It's all lies!

Christmas. Viggo loved Christmas. And the holiday season. Of course he did. Why wouldn’t he? Only a Grinch wouldn’t love Christmas, after all, and last time he checked he wasn’t the Grinchy type of person. True, not everyone celebrated Christmas, and he had no truck with people celebrating or not celebrating whatever it was they did or did not celebrate, as they so chose. But he’d grown up in a household that did celebrate Christmas, and he’d always been fond of it, especially of its quirkier aspects and outrageous decorations. The commercialism he could do without, but the sense of fun that some people brought to the holiday was definitely something he could approve of.

So, Christmas. Holiday season. A good thing. Yes. At least, so he kept trying to convince himself.

The problem with the holiday season this year was not so much the holiday seasons itself, or even the holiday season at all ... no, the problem lay, fairly and squarely, with the sugary confectionaries that it brought along with it. Or, to be quite specific: with candy canes. Or rather, with Orlando’s love of said sugary, rots-your-teeth-in-your-mouth-while-you-are-watching, product.

Viggo had come to know Orlando quite well, over their months of filming in New Zealand, and knew that the man was overly fond of sweet products, so his affection for candy canes should really come as no surprise. And it didn’t, not really. Nor did Viggo mind precisely – live and let live, after all; but it was simply that Orlando seems to be utterly unable to eat even the tiniest one of the things without making a (most likely completely unconscious) production out of it!

He licked the candy cane and he sucked on the candy cane and then he smacked his lips and he licked his lips and then he had to lick and suck on his sticky fingers and sometimes he even moaned a little in joy at the taste of the confection – and all that licking and sucking and moaning was getting Viggo far too hot and bothered for his peace of mind. For anyone’s peace of mind – but fortunately, so far, no one knew of his secret depravity. The holiday season had only begun, though, and with three more weeks of filming until Christmas break, he feared that it was only a matter of time. One or the other of the hobbits was going to notice that he kept his legs crossed an awful lot these days – and while Sean had that handy shield as part of his costume that one could hide all manner of things behind, a sword, while awesome, was no use when it came to strategically resting it something on one’s lap.

So, yes, the holiday season. What joy, and goodwill, and relaxation it brought. Not.

Fortunately for Viggo – and unfortunately for Orlando (but fortunately for Orlando’s teeth), Viggo had a plan. They’d be spending the next couple of days shooting on location in one of the more rural parts of New Zealand’s northern island, and rural countryside meant that there’d be only a limited amount of shops in the vicinity. If Viggo simply went and bought all of their candy canes (a somewhat foolish expense, maybe, but he’d simply put them all in a big box and give them to Orlando right before everyone left on Christmas break – so that Orlando could suck on them to his heart’s pleasure, without negatively impacting Viggo’s sanity), then Orlando couldn’t get any, and hence wouldn’t be sucking on any, and Viggo would not be embarrassing himself and not have to live with the constant risk of being found out and hence damaging their friendship. He was attracted to the younger man, yes, but he wasn’t going to do anything about it. It wouldn’t be right – him being the more experienced actor and possibly a figure of authority (not that Viggo felt very authoritative) and anyway, Orlando had given no sign that he might possibly be interested ... (unless the candy cane sucking extravaganza was a sign? But no. Orlando sucked and licked candy canes in view of everyone, it was not something he only did when Viggo was around ... though how would he know? It wasn’t as if he could ask, say, Elijah about it. Well, at that, he probably could. But he wouldn’t. That’d be one embarrassing conversation...) .

So, yes, operation acquire-all-the-candy-cane-in-New-Zealand (or at least the strategically relevant parts of it) was a go, and so far Viggo was well satisfied with his progress. They had a half-day off from shooting, while the new location was being prepped, and he’d already been to the small supermarkets and mom-and-pop stores in the three villages closest to their new location, as well as in the town where they’d rented accommodation for the next two weeks. And so far, he was doing pretty well.

He’d told a story about how the candy cane was a special surprise for a special person, how he needed all the candy canes they had available to make it a truly extravagant surprise, and then made a sad face when the total amount of candy cane available made a more-or-less meager pile. The store managers invariably assured him that they would order more this very day, but that, unfortunately, it might take a week or more for it to be back in stock, shipping times being what they were. Viggo would nod, thank them for their consideration and tell them that the candy cane he was buying now was really quite sufficient (though he privately knew that he might have to go back, depending on the effort Orlando was going to put into acquiring more of the blasted things). And then he’d carry his ill-gotten gains out of the shop, and load them next to all the candy cane he had already acquired. He’d brought a big box with him, especially for the purpose. It was taking up most of the available space in the trunk of his car – and filling up nicely.

He was on the way back to the location now, actually – he’d swung around it in a circle, more or less, and now only had the store on the road leading straight to the location left to do. Which was a good thing, too, as Peter was actually expecting him on set in a little over two hours.

Viggo parked his car. The sign above the door read “Dan’s groceries”, and the bells hung above the door to the small shop rang merrily as he walked inside.

“Just a second,” a voice called from the back, and Viggo walked between the selves, curiously glancing at the offered wares. Sometimes it was hard to remember that they were in New Zealand, but sometimes it was no problem at all. The language might be the same, but seeing all the unfamiliar brands and layouts on the boxes and tins was an easy reminder.

The bell above the door tinkled again, announcing another customer, just as Viggo located the small temporary Christmas Section the proprietor of “Dan’s Groceries” had installed. The box of candy canes was tucked in next to some small packets of German Stollen and just above a row of entirely too cheerful looking plastic Santa Clauses, and he quickly picked it up, eager to get out of the store and on with his errand.

Viggo turned the corner of the aisle and bumped into someone who was coming in his direction. Only a quick grab from the stranger saved the box of candy canes from falling to the floor.

Alas, not so much a stranger, no, Viggo thought ruefully, glancing up from the – now stabilized – box and into the all too familiar face and eyes of the very person on account of whom he was running this errand - Orlando.

Well, shit Viggo thought – he tried not to swear, not even mentally, but surely this encounter justified it? – even as he pasted a smile on his face (all that acting had to be good for something, after all).

“Orlando! What a surprise! I did not expect to run into you, and here of all places.” (Ok, so he needed to find a different job. Or to do more improvisational theater. Or something. Clearly he could have come up with a less suspicious line...).

Orlando, who seemed to have recovered from his shock of almost bumping into someone, was smiling in what seemed to be honest delight.

“Viggo! This is a surprise, yes.” (Ok, so Orlando’s fancy acting classes were no good when it came to ad-libbing in situations like this, either, Viggo thought in satisfaction. He tried not to feel satisfaction. He tried. But there it was...).

Orlando looked down, and, upon glimpsing the contents of the box Viggo clutched in his hands, looked up again in surprise.

“Candy canes? I didn’t know you liked them! They’re my favorite Christmas sweet!” He smiled delightedly. “I am so glad that you managed to find some – I’ve been to two stores already, on the way here, and they were sold out. Sold the last of them just today, in fact. I had no idea that the Kiwis were so keen on candy canes. They’ve got good taste!”

Viggo looked down at the box he was holding, seeing all his plans being washed away by Orlando’s obvious delight.

“Yes, well ... I got lucky, I guess, and, well, of course I am willing to share. Let me just go to the register and pay, and then we can divide them up. They’ll be my treat!”

“Viggo, I can’t let you do that – I mean, you don’t have to buy my sweets for me ... unless, you know...” Orlando glanced at Viggo, and waggled his eyebrows suggestively, mischief written plain on his face, “... you want to become my sugar daddy?”

In a mix of startlement and horror, Viggo nearly dropped the box. “What? NO! Orlando! Don’t SAY things like that. That’s not...”

Orlando, taken aback by the reaction his joke had caused, quickly placed his hand on Viggo’s arm. “Relax, Viggo. It was only a joke. A bad one, apparently.” He paused, and looked Viggo up and down, in playful criticism. “You’re far too young and good looking for it to work, anyway. If I wanted to have a sugar daddy I would have to go hit on Ian ... and that would be all kinds of wrong.”

Viggo mock-shuddered, quickly put at ease again by Orlando’s playful manner. “Indeed, that would be more the sugar-daddy dynamic.”

Orlando nodded. “I know, right? The two of us, no way either one could be a sugar daddy. We’re too much the scruffy ranger and the otherworldly elf for that to work. Whereas Gandalf is ... hmm ... totally Frodo’s sugar daddy.”

Viggo had to chuckle at that. “While that might be the case, don’t let Elijah hear that.”

Orlando shook his head emphatically. “God no, nor Ian!”

“I don’t know, I think Ian would find it amusing...”

“Well, so would ‘Lij, more likely than not – but I am still not telling him!”

Viggo nodded. “Right you are. The image shall have to remain our secret.”

Orlando grinned at him. “So it shall.” Then he glanced down, at the box Viggo was still clutching. “But what about the candy canes? We’ve established that I can’t let you pay for my sugary treats, so what are we going to do? Divvy the lot up at the register? That might be the easiest thing to do, see if they’ve got an empty box handy we could use...” He frowned down at the heap of candy canes.

Repressing a resigned sigh at the thought of the torment to come, Viggo thrust the box at Orlando. “Here, you take all of them. I know you love them, so you should have them.”

Orlando took the box, but shook his head. “Viggo, no. You clearly like them, too, as you are here and were all set on acquiring a rather large amount of candy canes.”

Viggo shrugged, unwilling to reveal the real reason behind his buying spree. “I’ve still got plenty. You take them, honest.”

Orlando carried the box to the till, Viggo following, and after informing the clerk that he was buying the lot, turned back to Viggo. “You do? I’ve never seen you eat one, though, come to think of it. Are they, like, an evening treat? Did you ration yourself? If so, wise choice, as they seem to be rarer than gold.”

It must have been the way Orlando was looking at him with such honest curiosity, and such intent, Viggo thought later, that let his mind wander and made him say, “Actually, I managed to buy a good amount of them earlier today already.”

Orlando whistled. “Really! You were lucky, then – as I told you, most places seem to be sold out!”
Viggo scratched the back of his neck, trying to come up with an innocuous reply, but was saved by the store clerk, who had finished ringing up all the candy canes. Orlando quickly finished the transaction and then picked up the box, and, after Viggo held the door open for him, walked outside.

Unfortunately, Orlando was not that easily sidetracked. “So, candy canes. Where did you find yours? I might just swing by there, see if they have any left.”

Viggo, again, scratched the back of his neck. “I got mine in Whaitangipu, but I bought the last of the lot, so you won’t be able to get any more there.”

Orlando frowned at this, his gaze acquiring a sudden intensity. “Really. I’ve just come from there, but the lady in the local supermarket told me that a gentleman came in and asked to buy all of their available candy cane, which he needed, rather urgently, as a ...” Orlando paused, and finished rather uncertainly “... surprise for someone very special? Was that you?

Viggo looked down, feeling himself blush, and shuffled his feet, wishing this awkward moment to be over, but unable to think of something he might say to diffuse the situation. Well, honestly was always an option – or at least a certain amount of honestly, but ... .

Orlando, meanwhile, had quickly dropped the box of candy canes on the front of the nearest car – incidentally, Viggo’s – and now reached out to place his hand on Viggo’s arm again.

“Oh no. Did I ruin the surprise? Viggo, I’m so sorry. I will forget all about it, I swear, so I can act totally surprised when you give them to me.”

An awkward silence fell, and when Viggo refused to look up, Orlando paused and continued in a quieter, uncertain voice. “Or aren’t they even for me? I mean ... here I am, just assuming that you might have wanted to surprise me, where ... I mean, why should you...” he laughed, but it was a rueful and not at all happy laugh, and Viggo finally could not keep himself from looking up, and glancing at Orlando “...there are tons of people on set who hang on to every word you say and who you have more in common with, why should a young hack who has no idea what he is doing be that special person, a stupid elf who –“

Viggo couldn’t take it anymore, and now it was his turn to reach out to Orlando, in the hope of stopping the self-deprecating tirade.

“No, no. Orlando, stop. I bought them – well, I did not actually buy them for you – “ Viggo huffed, god, he was making a mess of this, and while Orlando had stopped, he certainly didn’t look any less hurt “- but I bought them, well, because of you.”

Orlando frowned. “Because of me, but not for me? Viggo, I don’t understand.”

Viggo ran his hands through his hair, tugging at the strands. “Well, how could you? It doesn’t even half make sense to me. I like you, Orli, but there you are, every day, all the damn time, sucking and licking and doing all kinds of obscene things to those damn candy canes, and how is a fellow who had been attracted to you before that already supposed to keep his head, now that you’re engaging in all that innocent and yet obscene candy consumption?!? So, yes, I bought them because of you. So that I could keep them as far as possible away from you, and so that you wouldn’t have any more candy canes, and so that I would have a hope of keeping my sanity and our friendship intact, before you found out what an old an perverted man I am!”

Viggo stopped, having run out of breath and momentum, and shook his head. He’d not planned on saying even half of that, but apparently, somewhere after the second sentence, he’d decided to go for broke.

“You – I – you – what?” Orlando blinked.

Viggo sighed. “I am a perverted old man who bought candy so that you could not have it, basically.”

Orlando waved his hand, a look of wonder and delight stealing over his face, “No, no, I got all that, and that is so not happening, you scruffy ranger, the keeping the candy cane from me, I mean. It was more the ... I mean ... you thought the way I eat my candy cane had sexual overtones?”

Overtones?” Viggo almost shrieked – in a very manly way, of course – “It was nothing but a never-ending seduction. All the licking and the sucking and that thing you keep doing with your tongue - all that was missing was the winking and the come hither gesture, and it would have been pure seduction.”

Orlando sighed, and grinned. “Oh, good. So you did notice, after all.”

“I ... what?”

“You did notice that what I was doing to the candy canes was a bit obscene...”

“A bit ... obscene? Orlando, I think you are missing the point here – what I am trying to tell you is that I have been having all these improper thoughts, and that I am sorry for that, and promise that I will do my best to not let it affect our friendship and...”

Orlando held up a hand. “No, Viggo. Wait. I wanted you to notice.”

“You wanted me to notice? How you eat your candy?”

Orlando shrugged. “Well, not precisely that. That was more a means to an end. I wanted you to notice me. As more than a friend, I mean.”

It was Viggo’s turn to stare at Orlando: “Orlando, of course I notice you.” The older man reached out to lay a hand on the younger one’s shoulder. “How could I not? I’ve been doing little but noticing you. You’re lean, and graceful, and smart, and kind-hearted, and charming, and funny, and ...”

Orlando was grinning, now “... and apparently not as much a klutz when it comes to seducing a certain Danish-American actor via the medium of candy canes, after all.”

Viggo laughed. “It’s been hell, actually, you’re far too good at it. Well, at least the getting me all hot and bothered part. I wasn’t so sure whether it was intentional or not.”

Orlando shook his head, ruefully. “Clearly I have to work on that part of my seduction technique, then.”
Viggo nodded and grinned back. “Well, I’ve got a ton of practice material, right there in the boot of my trunk, and one very willing test subject standing right here, if you want an audience for your practice.”
Orlando smirked. “Oh, I will definitely need an audience. But only a very limited and select one. And only one that would also be interested in practicing the follow-up motions that come after the candy cane part is done. Would you be up for that?”

Viggo chuckled, and leaned forward to whisper in Orlando’s ear, low and seductively. “Oh, believe me, I would definitely be up - and up for that. Any time. Also for plenty of repeat assignations, as I hear only practice makes perfect.”

Orlando shivered and had to stifle a small moan that wanted to escape, hearing Viggo’s gravelly voice whispering in his ear, and feeling Viggo’s breath stir his hair. “Oh god – I would say we go and get on with it right now, but we’ve got to be on set in -“ he looked at his watch and groaned. “- less than 90 minutes. Not enough time for what I have in mind.”

Viggo sighed. “Unfortunately, I agree. Work must come first.”

Orlando nodded.

Viggo squeezed his shoulders and then let him go, taking a step back. “Come by my room tonight?”

Orlando nodded, grinning. “Absolutely! You’ve got yourself the dealiest of deals!”

“The dealiest of ...” Viggo laughed and smirked, happiness bubbling up inside him “... I am confiscating your box of candy canes, though ... otherwise I will be the deadest of actors, killed by Peter’s death glare when I flub every single line this afternoon.”

Orlando mock-frowned, but pushed the box towards Viggo. “That’s fair, I guess – and I’ve done my share of seduction, after all. Let’s see what you can do with a candy cane this afternoon, ranger.”

Viggo grabbed the box, and smirked – he usually sucked at innuendo, but this time, he knew just what to say in return. “Oh, I’ll show you what I can do with a candy cane all right, but not this afternoon. My demonstration is best left for your eyes only, as I actually have quite a different ... candy cane ... in mind.”

Orlando gaped, and then dissolved into giggles. “Oh, you dirty old man, you. Candy canes will never be the same for me, ever again.”

Viggo grinned. “No, they won’t be, will they. For me neither. But I do look forward to demonstrating my prowess with my candy cane tonight.”

So, there really was no reason not to love the Holiday Season, after all. Or candy canes. Yes, delightful treats, candy canes were. All of them.

The End



( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 25th, 2013 04:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I LOVE this! Happy, Christmas giggles! This line was so perfect: Viggo sighed. “I am a perverted old man who bought candy so that you could not have it, basically.”

Wonderful! Merry Christmas!
Dec. 28th, 2013 12:00 am (UTC)
loved it
Dec. 30th, 2013 02:13 am (UTC)
What a sweet (pun fully intended) story
Jan. 1st, 2014 04:06 am (UTC)
This was so great!
Jan. 2nd, 2014 12:16 am (UTC)
I really liked the idea of Orlando sucking on candy canes to get Viggo's attention. *giggles*
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )


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